Mixed Feelings

If you are a child of mixed race then you can feel my pain when you have those moments that you don’t fit into one culture enough.  I am very blessed to be half Mexican.  I love so many things about my heritage.  I have cute freckles that go across my nose and cheeks, my hair is naturally straight and dark and I can tan like nobody’s business.  There are other times though that I don’t feel like I fit the "standard" protocol people have when it comes to being a Latina or Hispanic woman.  Mostly it’s because I don’t speak fluent Spanish.  I understand why that creates a separation.  I can’t bond with others through language and I know that many people see this as disrespect or a reason to not entirely fit in with a culture.

Growing up with a white family and a Mexican family made me a bit different.  I didn’t notice it until I got into high school and people would say I wasn’t Mexican enough (I’ve seriously had someone get mad and spit at me for not being Hispanic enough while riding the bus home from school.) I’ve also been told that I am too white, which I’m not sure how because all I was doing is being myself.  I didn’t notice how others stared at me wondering if my mom or my dad was Mexican.  I didn’t notice how people would stare at my mom when we were out together because I have such different tones to my skin and my mom has blonde hair and blue eyes.  I didn’t think much about being fluent in Spanish when I was in grade school.  But now that I’m older and experience so many different people I realize that in some ways people don’t make me feel included into the culture. 

What I find most admirable about Hispanic culture is they work hard, play hard and they focus on family.  It doesn’t matter if you can dance but as long as the rhythm of a cumbia makes you move you might as well just count yourself among the culture and while you’re at it grab a cerveza and start celebrating!  If you can appreciate the love and care that goes into everything a mama, tia or abuelita bakes or cooks then you can pull up a chair because nothing makes their hearts happier than when someone loves their cooking.  It’s about happiness when you have nothing and it’s about being there for others when you have more than you need.

I catch myself doing funny typical Hispanic things that make us all laugh because they bond us together as family (If you’re family is Hispanic, you know what I’m talking about!).  I’m a level person but push too hard and I’ll let you know where I stand, and quick.  I find myself thinking in Spanish or saying Que Chula, Que Linda or precioso when taking care of kids (I guess my nurturing side is a Mexican lady after all J) I clean the house listening to Spanish music (loud) and everything I “make up” in the kitchen some how has a touch of Hispanic flavor.  I take my coffee the same way as my dad (plenty of creamer and some sugar), if a place serves menudo or chorizo on the menu I’ll order it and please don’t forget my tortillas. 

The point of me writing anything is to hopefully help people realize what if feels like to be on the other side of those comments and to just express myself.  I, like any other person, wants to be loved and accepted for who I am.  I am a Mexican American woman.  I want to be respected for the pride I give to my culture.  I am also just me.  Not everything I like or do in my life will be defined as “Hispanic”.  But I can’t not be Mexican enough.  It’s in my blood and it’s a part of me.  I welcome the Hispanic community and culture with open arms.  If you call me gringa you’ll probably get a look from me, but that’s okay.  I’m too happy being myself, dancing cumbia and eating menudo to give it much more thought than that.